More on suicide...

It seems I just can’t stop now that I have started. I think it’s because I feel there are many things that need to be said. I can’t remain silent.

This morning I posted this (with some minor modifications) in one of the forums I frequent:

The recent deleted conversation about suicide in the forum Child Past Lives, and most likely, the time of the year, seem to have triggered some memories/feelings in me related to my last days on Earth during my WWII life.

I barely remember what I have written before in regards to the cause of my suicide, but I think the answers are always the same: I had lost everything, I was utterly alone and I didn't want to live anymore. Is that so hard to understand?

First of all, was it a suicide or not? I've always wondered about this question myself, to be honest, and I've always come to the conclusion it was, no matter who pulled the trigger. Like I told one of the forum members in response to his comment, I'd call it "assisted suicide", but a suicide nonetheless, only the soldier didn't know he was doing me a favor. But no, I know what I did. As someone else said, intent matters... yes, of course it matters.

I also wonder about the resistance and the fear people in general have to talk about suicide. I've observed this fear is more common among people who don't have clear and verified memories of past lives and what happens after death. I guess the reason is they are still afraid of death, and so they are still afraid of living and letting everyone make their choices. Right or wrong, you just can't learn if you don't act. And we all are responsible of our actions and decisions, and of course of the consequences. Death is bad... yes, especially for those staying alive. For dead people, it's just rest and peace. But for some reason they all want us to keep suffering in the afterlife, being judged by "the Elders" or thrown to the darkest pits of the astral (commonly known as Hell).

Well, it seems there are many reasons to commit suicide. I don't know of others, but I think my suicide would fit in the category of "act of rebellion". My WWII life was mainly a life where I couldn't control anything. My mum didn't give a damn about me or my feelings. When my grandparents died she sent me to work as a maid and live with that German man (possibly my father who cared even less about me). Yesterday, when I had memories of being awake in the dark, unable to sleep, thinking where I'd like to go back, the only place that came to mind was my uncle's home. There I had some cousins and was really a home. But I couldn't find out what had become of them after the German occupation. Possibly I hadn't had news of them for years, so I had no place to go back. Anyway, I couldn't go back. I was alone in France with the German Army. My only option was to keep working as a nurse until win or lose.

I was sinking deeper and deeper in my depression, that's sure. Though this keeps being a hunch, I'm pretty sure I died around this time of the year, one of the reasons being Christmas was approaching and I didn't want to spend Christmas without my German boyfriend. But apart from that there was this rage inside me, this desire to stop doing what "they" wanted of me. I wrote this in my journal yesterday, right after the meditation:

"In that life, suicide was the only thing in which I had some power of decision, it seems. This is shit, I don't want to live this. I don't want to fight in this crappy war, I don't want you to decide for me what I have to do with my life. I don't want to meet the only man who showed some interest in me and lose him. Go everyone to Hell".

I think that "everyone" includes living people and also spiritual guides or whoever sent me to live that life.

And so, I quit.

I've stopped wondering what would have happened if I hadn't quit. People are quick to say other people there are always better options, as if they know the future. You see, I quit and probably spared myself lots of suffering. Though it's great to imagine myself as a lovely war veteran lady, it's likely I would have ended up raped by allied soldiers after D-Day and then killed or imprisoned. And then I was reborn as a German boy who loved to play with wooden airplanes. So, was it a right or wrong decision?

Thoughts keep coming. After a tough night (a real bitter watch, until I got asleep), I was surprised when my current partner arrived and told me I looked happy. Maybe a weight is being lifted after all, with all this past life work I’ve done in the last few years. I’ve never felt especially guilty for committing suicide in my WWII life, though I did wonder for a while how I could have done “something like that”. But I soon realized it’s not a crime, a sin, or anything that must be punished. It just happens. Sometimes you decide to do things you are not proud of, that can lead to a variety of consequences. Suicide is one of these things. But it’s not better or worse than other choices, because, every reincarnationist should know, death doesn’t exist. Death is not bad in itself. So, if I decide to kill myself, I’m not going against “any law” or whatever you want to invent to make me feel guilty. It’s my life. It was my choice to come. It’s my choice to leave. That’s all.

After that thread was deleted there was some talking about the convenience of saying publicly things like these I write in my blog. Couldn’t we be influencing another person’s decision and incline them towards suicide, in case they’re on the verge of doing it and we tell them nothing happens? Instead of this, I was thinking of those parents and relatives who unfortunately have a suicide victim in their family and are marked forever, as the rest of society think that’s a disgrace and the victim a sinner. The dead is dead, I doubt anything can affect them any longer. Those who still live not only have to endure the pain of the loss of a loved one in those circumstances, but also the ignorance of the people who judge.  

I speak mainly for them. For the living. I have no fear of speaking the Truth.

REST PEACEFULLY, BECAUSE A SUICIDE IS JUST A NORMAL DEATH.

NOTHING HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE.

THERE WILL BE UNRESOLVED ISSUES, BUT THAT IS COMMON IN ALL TRAUMATIC DEATHS.

I can say it louder, but not clearer.

"Nothing happens" also means "nothing will change". Your issues won't disappear killing yourself.

And no, I don't encourage anyone to commit suicide. If you're thinking about it, SEEK HELP. Probably you will be luckier than me and will find it.